Have you ever noticed how lonely you feel when you are down? Silly question, of course you have. But there is much to it than just plain loneliness when you feel depressed. You’re trying so hard to find reasons to be joyful, grateful and … sometimes it just doesn’t work. For a while now you have accepted a painful truth: you have not been born to be simply happy. Not in the “cherish the good stuff, forget about what you miss, what you can’t do or have, focus on living simply and be grateful for what you have, as life is short” kind of way.
You’ve tried so hard for a while to embrace all this theory … you have even adopted the pretending technique: “pretend until you become or feel what you’re pretending”. Did not work either. It’s a standard nowadays to be … content. Satisfied. Happy. All the struggle for better, higher, bigger is been treated more and more like an abnormality. Tons of people around you – celebrities, friends, colleagues, experts – tell successful stories about how happy they became the moment they let go of the struggle.
Yet, you find there is something terribly wrong with this trend. What is your reason to be proud if not the victories obtained after a struggle? What is there to be satisfied about if not who you have becomed during the struggle? You just don’t get it … How can people stop from challenging themselves, from wanting better things, from planning to become more powerful in mind and heart, from struggling for a better future? You have read their stories and you have spent years and years trying to understand why doesn’t this cool attitude embraces you as well. You are old enough now, so according to some, you should be more at peace with the events, with the world around you and with yourself.
But you can’t. You know you can’t. And most importantly, you have learnt not to talk to anybody about this topic, whenever you get these “negative waves”, as Oddball used to say. You’ve learnt from experience that people are soooo experts in judging: “she’s insane, she never gets satisfied by anything, what else does she wants? She has a family, health, a roof over her head! She should become ill, really ill, then she would understand what is actually important in life! ” You haven’t heard these exact comments, but you can sense them behind the nicely wrapped words that those around you tell you when they see you down for no good reason, according to their opinion. But to Hell with those comments! There is got to be more to life than this … there are so many things to learn, to see, to listen, to search, to feel, to experience, to have, to hold, to love. How can anybody not want to strive to achieve all these things? How can anyone not be tormented about what is his mission in life, about how to make his dream real, about what lies before us and after us? How can somebody live happy just with what he is, what he knows or has this very instant? How could you not be passionate about your limits, your flaws, your excesses, your deceiving or your greatness?
The good part is that after many years of “forbidding” yourself to go down that road again, after intense practice on how to get distracted by small stuff, after endless self-denial for feeling like this, you have discovered that it’s actually who you are.
The struggle, the restlessness, the seeking, the nostalgia, the anxiety, all of it is part of who you are.
So, why do you complain? Actually, you’re not. After years of not doing that at all and after some months of complaining to “close friends”, now you have come to accept that you are going to go your way. Even if it’s a Hell of a bumpy ride, it’s you that will have to stay on a death bed and confront the regrets for not struggling more, regrets for not daring more, for not aiming higher! Not your relatives, not your friends or colleagues, not the experts in “live a balanced life”!