My life has been and still is under the influence of two voices: the one of (some) people around me and my inner voice. One of my inner voices, at least:) The voice of people around me told me for a long time that I shouldn’t struggle so much. That I should take things easily. Relax. Don’t let any small thing get to me or disappointment from people get me down. And that I should understand that life is about enjoying, not struggling. As I grow older, I realize some of the things I thought deserve total commitment, extreme efforts and dedication beyond „regular” behavior, actually … don’t. So, the voice of (some) people around me was right. But only in regards to this aspect: don’t waste yourself, your talents on what does not count, does not makes you … you.
What some of people don’t understand is that we are different in many aspects. I mean, they do understand in theory, but in reality, from their angle, they want all people to be on the same pattern, have the same character features. Don’t know and don’t care why. Maybe it’s because some are scared by … different. As I get closer to death – I am not morbid, it’s a fact, I understand that I might regret this, the struggling. I remember reading about the regrets of dying people and in top 5 you could find „I wish I didn’t work so hard” – and in my understanding, it applies to all the aspects of life, not just to a job. And yet … struggling is part of who I am. Don’t know if it’s something like „I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again”. Don’t know if it’s a desperate need to prove myself what I am worth, need for recognition or appraisal. Don’t have a clue if it has to do with inferiority complexes self-built. Or with compulsive perfectionist nature I am having in some regards. Have no idea if the struggle comes from some unsolved issues from my childhood or from now.
But I do know some essential things about this struggling:
– when you feel you ain’t worth anything, you have to decide you’re gonna worth everything;
– when you have nothing, you need to build something from scratch;
– when nobody believes in you, you need to follow your gut and keep on believing in you;
– when everything seems to fail, you have to hang in there.
I have always had a huge admiration for „self made men”, as in the ones that did not gave up on their dreams or themselves no matter how rough things got. I guess it’s because I believe that just like you cannot appreciate light without darkness, you cannot enjoy food without ever having nothing to eat, you can’t really smile unless you’ve cried so much your eyes hurt, you can’t help others with a true heart unless somebody’s shown you the kindness in theirs.
So what is all this struggling good for? make all your dreams come true? be a role model for your loved ones? to make a career? gain more money? Hell, no! You can struggle all you want, that can lead you anywhere. A lot of people struggle and don’t move an inch closer to what they need or to what they want.
The only thing that ever got me somewhere is determination. Yeah, the so praised, apparently over-estimated or sometimes wrongly understood DETERMINATION.
Is the power to chase sleep away and continue to study for hours and hours, after coming back from school and despite the midnight hour that urges you to bed.
Is the constant preoccupation to really listen to your child, to be there, even if you would kill for a hot bath and laying in bed by yourself.
Is the persistence to handle all house choirs so next day you have cooked food, clean change, ironed clothes for kindergarten.
It’s the ambition to get things done, finished, accomplished according to your own targets, as a life without goals seems empty to me.
Is the stubbornness to wake up at 5 in the morning and be at 6:30 in the office as solving a particular issue that takes a lot of time is important for your team.
Determination is what keeps moving me forward. Is that little motor running all the time inside of me, telling me not to let go, not to give in, not to fall in the trap of … comfort. It’s kind of exhausting, I know, and in some cases it may seems useless as we only live once and I seem to waste my life with this struggle …
Yet, I’d be damned if in my last moments on Earth, I will have the regret that I haven’t done everything that was up to me for a better life!