Un om cu întrebări

Contradictions

Life is a hilarious series of contradictions, that’s a fact. One look at my life and I can’t argue with that: everything I try to force, push, influence, will eventually back-fire (and come to bite me in the ass …)

When it comes to people, the so called complications seem to occupy too much of my time, head and soul. Why? Simple: ‘cause I have expectations from others. Yeap, I am not that “always giving, never asking in return” type of person. Not in my love life, family, professional environment, friendships or other type of relationships. Use to be, not anymore. The Apostles can do that very well, I suck at it so I won’t try it anymore.

Back to the core: people and their fantastic behavior … lack of consistence … back-stabbing …. ass kissing …… nerve to ask for everything …. sleeping around with (any) other soul ……….. all this and others create a symphony in which I constantly sing “WTF, WTF”, in various tones and rhythms …

True, I almost changed myself once for the “sake” of people: both the “general” opinion and some “close” persons always told me: you need to have/show no feelings, you have to adjust and don’t draw attention to yourself, you need to take things slowly, like the rest of the planet, you have to stop arguing, even when unfair things happen, you need to / have to adapt or you will be thrown away / left behind, you need to consume your emotions only on things and people that worth it … Seriously? I don’t understand this “show no feelings” stuff: If I feel something and don’t show it, what good is this last part? It helps me keep “sane” and “civilized” relationships with people around.

Oh, you mean lie to everybody and pretend you like them, you agree with them …. I get it. In the world of women and men, wearing masks is one of the conditions of success …..with dirty, dead bodies under success, but still a success. Exceptions exist, but they are exceptions. I am tired of people telling me what to feel, how to act, how to simulate …

These days I have a lot of contradictory feelings towards people around me …

The negative ones come now to my mind: I hate the behavior of some people: arrogance, lack of consideration for people’s needs or feelings, total selfishness, complete disinterest. I pity the naivety of younger, horse glass wearing people: the confidence that people around them will “walk the talk”. I envy the easiness some approach life – how could they do differently, since life gives them most times reasons to smile? I curse the people playing with others’ souls, the ones that transform everything into a game, putting only their sensorial passing through life above and before everything else.

So many bad feelings … they bring to my mind the scene where Luke Skywalker was fighting Darth Vader and his strength was increased due to hate … and I know that for a short period of time, hate helps you get through anything … as long as it’s not permanent, hate helps.

More than fear, more than self-pity, more than pep talk. When you hate something or someone you transform yourself into something else: your inner demons are silenced, as you found something else, something more powerful that keeps you focused. No, I do not encourage hate. But I don’t blame it either. Just like vanity, pity, altruism, ambition, dedication, jealousy, loyalty, hate is a human feeling. And I need to find a way to receive it, for few moments, and then nicely walk it out the door of my soul. It’s the way life goes. ‘Cause once the hate is gone, what is left is a fresh start in which I will be, again, me!

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Această înregistrare a fost postată la 28/05/2015 de în ENGLISH SECTION şi etichetată , , , , , , , .
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